September 20, 2007

County Life

People, places, politicos, lawmen, muckrakers, card sharps, & other assorted scalawags & ne’er-do-wells, plus tall tales & ghost stories.
By Staff

Best Landmark
The Orange Grove at Santa Ana and Helena streets, Anaheim
Have you noticed those concrete slabs with bas-relief oranges that decorate Highway 22? Don’t you think it’s hilarious the county still propagates its bucolic orange-crate myth, even though the county’s citrus industry has been reduced to nothing? Isn’t it hilarious that the nothing is really just a fenced-off orange grove on the corner of Santa Ana and Helena streets in Anaheim? Is the fact that this grove—the place where the county’s 1936 Citrus War started—was twice the size just a couple of years ago and is now slated for demolition just so appropriate for who we are, where we’re going and how we just don’t care? What was it that Smokey Robinson said about clowns again?

Best Building
Taco Bell Discovery Science Center
2500 N. Main St., Santa Ana
(714) 542-2823
www.discoverycube.org
Admit it: The first time you drove past that giant, angled black cube beside Insterstate 5, you thought the actual kids’ museum it belongs to was inside. Later, maybe you caught the light shining through it, realized it was hollow, and wondered what the point was. Did the designer of the Discovery Center just really, really like Pink Floyd and somehow figured kids could learn about the actual dark side of the moon? Turns out it’s actually a massive solar-panel array that powers the museum—if you pay admission, you can find out all the groovy details and, yes, even get inside it. If solar power is indeed the future, could it be that one day we’ll all have trippy black cubes attached to our homes? We can but hope.

Best Evidence of a Town In Need of a Proofreader
Golden West, or Goldenwest?
Come on, people. Even Google Maps chokes on this. Pick one and stick with it. Our copy desk will back you up 100 percent.

Best Use of Stucco
The Irvine Co.
You really shouldn’t be a stranger to that 140-year-old real-estate development giant. Based in Newport Beach and owned by squillionaire Donald Bren, the Irvine Co. is responsible for implanting all those suburban master-planned communities you and the rest Orange County are so very fond of. Looking out the window of your basic Irvine Co.-owned apartment in the city that bears the name, you will behold rows upon rows of these planned communities. A truly depressing sight: the nearly identical, neatly trimmed trees, identical neatly trimmed lawns, identical streets of identical houses and identical apartments, all in varying shades of beige stucco.

While the place looks nice (if you dig uniformity), the bland suburban stucco thing just isn’t for everyone. But, it must also be said: The Irvine Co. is ultimately partially responsible for UC Irvine, having donated 1,000 acres (and sold 500 acres) to the school in 1959. And in the years to come, the company and Bren himself have also donated oodles of cash to UC Irvine. As the name of one of UCI’s most popular Facebook groups goes, “I Hate the Irvine Company but Don’t Tell Them or Else They’ll Stop Giving UCI Money.”

Best Example of Gentrification
Floral Park, Santa Ana
Santa Ana stands as one of Orange County’s least upscale cities—and is, as a result, its most soulful. While the lack of general affluence has resulted in some run-down neighborhoods, “Orange County” has reared its wealthy head even here. Located off Broadway, just off Interstate 5, Floral Park is a neighborhood of wide, peaceful streets, huge lawns and beautiful architecture . . . and nary a tagger in sight. Built between the 1920s and the 1950s, the neighborhood features tasteful farmhouses, Tudor- and ranch-style homes, and well-kept lawns. The homes are painted tastefully, and the air is filled with the sounds of lawn mowers and children’s laughter. This is Santa Ana? Sure, the price of a home in this neighborhood far exceeds the kind of money most SanTanans will ever see, but even Orange County’s grittiest town has to have its glamour.

Best Local Legend
The Poker Game That Named OC

Orange wasn’t always called Orange. The city that would go on to be the namesake for the entire county was originally Richland, a name that would have been oh-so-appropriate/ironic, depending on the side of town you’re on. Because a town in northern California already had that name, the southern Richland’s application for a post office was rejected. When that ruling came down, the four men involved in the fledgling community had a dispute over a new name. Being gentlemen, they decided to settle it in the manliest way possible that didn’t involve shootin’ irons: poker. Each picked something that grew on trees, presumably rep’d their respective junk, and Andrew Glassell apparently had the biggest—pot, that is. He won and presumably named the town after his native Orange County, Virginia. The other choices—Lemon, Olive and Almond—were rewarded with street names. The evidence for this game ever actually taking place is a bit dubious, but if the legend is true, we could’ve been a mere river card away from being Almond County, and then the famous line from everyone’s favorite show would’ve been “That’s how we do it in the AC, bitch!”

Best Haunted House
Stanley House
Stanley Ranch Museum
12174 Euclid Ave., Garden Grove
(714) 530-8871
Don’t let its gingerbread-adorned perfection fool you. Stanley House, built in 1891, standing tall and proud in the middle of Heritage Park in Garden Grove, could just be a ghost-infested hellhole. According to former caretaker Don H., the building is crawling with apparitions. Rumor has it that one such spirit paid old Don a visit while he was lying in bed late one night. According to account records, the spirit came to offer him some fatherly advice: “Don’t take any bullshit!” the spirit yelled before evaporating into thin air. Spooky. Other evidence of the building’s ghostly inhabitants can be seen in photographs taken at the playhouse located in the old barn. Images similar to bolts of lightning and fireballs can be seen dangling above the actors’ heads in some pictures. Known to parapsychologists as “spirit energy,” these images can signal the presence of lost souls trapped in our world with no hope of an escape to the other side. The most popular apparition noted by visitors is the sound of a baby crying from the old nursery. Could it be the spirit of a former caretaker’s baby who died while inhabiting the room? Why don’t you go find out for yourself, or are you too scared?

Best Memory Jogger
OCthen.com
www.octhen.com
You know what they say about Orange County’s past—if you remember it, you’re old. Or something like that. OCthen.com provides a forum for Orange County residents to contribute their recollections of the Orange County of the past, from Bob’s Big Boy restaurants to the recently departed Movieland Wax Museum to the Buena Park Alligator Farm. If Orange County saw fit to change it, you can bet it’s recollected on OCthen.com. Readers of the site are encouraged to submit their own memories, which are then helpfully archived. Want to find out Annette Bening’s connection to Orange County? Want to know what happened to Arnold’s Farm House? Want to write your own crotchety reminiscence about how things were so much better around here before the Block? OCthen.com is a cultural historian’s dream come true.

Best Local Blog
Orange Juice
orangejuiceblog.com
OC Blog is the undisputed king of the county blogosphere, but no county blog beats Orange Juice for unpredictability and sheer entertainment. Reading Orange Juice is like hearing students argue about abortion in a Religion 100 class. The nine bloggers span the political and literacy spectrum and include Orange County blogosphere pioneer Art Pedroza, a former diehard Republican who dramatically renounced his affiliation earlier this year after the party’s anti-Mexican campaign and delights in antagonizing the hacks of his former party. But that’s not why we read Orange Juice: We refresh our Firefox every couple of hours to find the latest libelous anonymous comments, the liberal jeremiads of Claudio Gallegos, Larry Gilbert’s unintelligible bold-faced ramblings—and the occasional scoop.

Best Internet Radio Station
Titan Internet Radio
www.titanradio.org
While high-profile big brother KUCI gets all the attention (and the transmitter space), Cal State Fullerton’s Internet-only radio station soldiers on. The U.S. Copyright Royalty Board is doing its best to destroy Internet radio by dramatically hiking the royalty fees that Internet broadcasters would have to pay, effectively eliminating most of these relatively low-budget stations’ ability to function. Unless the Internet Radio Equality Act (which will reverse the Copyright Royalty Board’s decision) passes, Internet radio will be a relic of the past, brought down by the power of the almighty dollar. In the meantime, Titan Radio is still broadcasting, providing a place for Fullerton’s students to practice their radio voice and share the contents of their iPods with the world. With a legitimately eclectic programming schedule and a studio located in the library basement, Titan Internet Radio is the underdog and deserves a little love before the Man (potentially) shuts it down.

Best Radio Station
KUCI-FM 88.9
www.kuci.org
KUCI—the student/volunteer-run station of UC Irvine—really has no competition on OC airwaves. For its diversity of programming, desire to broadcast music that doesn’t even get considered by 99.7 percent of its competitors, and, uh, let’s say idiosyncratic on-air personalities, KUCI towers over its rivals. The station’s DJs may not have the smoothest, most well-modulated deliveries nor always stay on message, and they occasionally allow some DEAD AIR, but they’re certainly passionate about the music they’re playing or the issues they’re discussing, and it makes a helluva difference if you’ve had it up to hear with cookie-cutter corporate radio.

Eclecticism and obscurity are most college radio stations’ lifeblood, and this applies to KUCI. A scan through the schedule reveals shows devoted to left-field global music, jazz, reggae, blues, hip-hop, girl bands, Latin, various underground beat-centric styles, electronic music, local punk rock, underground metal, witty unconventional news commentary, progressive public affairs, tons of rock in its myriad styles, and much more. You may not like everything KUCI airs, but if you possess an open mind and a three-digit IQ, you’ll enjoy a lot of it. If nothing else, you have to admire the sheer unpredictability of the whole enterprise in a medium dominated by companies where the bean counters declared decisive victory decades ago.

Readers’ Choice: KROQ-FM 106.7

Best Radio DJ
Andrew Meza
www.btsradio.net
www.myspace.com/btsradio
Andrew Meza is wise way beyond his 22 years. By day a publicist for the excellent Ubiquity Records, Meza also hosts a weekly show on Cal State Fullerton’s Titan Radio called BTS (for Beneath the Surface) on Tuesday nights from 8 to 10 p.m., which he archives at www.myspace.com/btsradio. Whether it’s a release not even out yet, or a gem from 40 years ago, Meza exhibits exquisite taste with his selections. And the kid can mix like a fiend, too. Tune in to Meza’s program for a cornucopia of cutting-edge, beat-centric styles from around the globe, with a strong emphasis on hip-hop, both underground and the cream of the mainstream variety. Whatever he’s cooking up in his lab, it’s intensely fresh and nutritious, with more flava than most palates can handle.

Readers’ Choice: Kevin & Bean, KROQ-FM 106.7

Best Radio Personality
Steve Jones
Jonesy’s Jukebox
Indie FM 103.1
KDLE Newport Beach
Most of the time, a man who is potentially drunk, semi-confused and prone to long silences would seem a poor candidate for a career on the radio. Unless, of course, he’s an ex-Sex Pistol. Jonesy’s Jukebox is a bastion of musical authenticity in a sea of corporate playlists. He literally plays whatever he wants—or nothing at all. Between the hours of noon and 2 p.m., don’t freak out if you turn the radio to FM 103.1 and hear only the faint sound of heavy breathing and the clacking of plastic CD cases for a fair stretch before a groggy London accent finally breaks in, confessing to sex with Joan Jett, or some other celebrity. Jonesy is a little like the drunk uncle at Thanksgiving: Everyone in your family hates him, but you love the old coot because you know that sooner or later, he’s going to say something to offend the tightwads—only this one is the Sire of Wilshire, and he has his own radio show.

Readers’ Choice: Ryan Seacrest, KIIS-FM 102.7

Best TV Station
KOCE-TV
Channel 50, Huntington Beach
Orange County’s last public-television station, KOCE is like the Iron Eyes Cody of PBS, standing on the side of the television highway and crying a little bit every time someone flips it over to KDOC to watch Night Gallery, instead of Antiques Roadshow. Okay, so the programming could use a little kick in the pants, but that can be said about almost any PBS station in America nowadays. The real reason KOCE deserves the title is that this year, the station won a long, complicated court battle with Christian network Daystar for ownership of its airwaves (having to give up only one of its digital substations to the Lord), which means KOCE can continue to broadcast its local-interest programs such as Inside OC without having to rename it Inside JC. Any network on which you can find both California’s Gold and Rock Hudson documentaries is worth championing.

Readers’ Choice: KABC-TV channel 7

Best News Anchor
Leyna Nguyen
KCAL Channel 9, KCBS Channel 2
Let’s start with the bad news: Leyna Nguyen loves the Minnesota Vikings and the musician Prince. But we can forgive the Vietnam native who arrived in the United States in 1975. She is Southern California’s superstar news anchor, working at KCAL Channel 9 and its sister station, KCBS Channel 2. Let’s get the obvious out of the way: Yes, she’s gorgeous. That’s no surprise in the LA news market. But what sets Nguyen apart is her delivery. She’s smooth, dignified and unflappable. We’ve seen TelePrompTer screw-ups render other local newscasters speechless and scared. Not Nguyen. It’s baffling the national news folks haven’t hired her away to New York.

Readers’ Choice: Hal Fishman, KTLA-TV

Best Weathercaster
Bill Patzert
So, technically, the Jet Propulsion Lab where Bill Patzert works as a climatologist isn’t in Orange County (it’s in La Canada Flintridge). And Patzert isn’t the kind of weatherman who comes to mind when someone says “weatherman.” But he surfs in Orange County, and he has much more important things to do than stand in front of a green screen and tell us how great our weather is. The job of climatologist at JPL is no joke, and Patzert is the resident expert on climate changes in Southern California. He’s the guy to talk to when you want to know what the record dry year means for the success of your expansive Lake Forest lawn, or how tropical storms will affect the surf in Huntington Beach. In short, Patzert beats all the showboating television types by being the smartest—and he can really ride a board.

Readers’ Choice: Jillian Reynolds, KTTV-TV Channel 11

Best Sportscaster
José Mota
LA has us beat on one thing and one thing only—great sportscasters. But that will change as José Mota notches more years. Mota—son of Dodgers legend Manny and a College World Series winner with Cal State Fullerton during the 1980s—announces for your Anaheim Angels’ Spanish-language broadcasts on KLAA-AM 830, does interviews for the Halos’ television broadcasts and also handles color commentaries for FOX’s national baseball broadcasts. And all along, regardless of language, the style is the same—even-keeled, thoughtful, with a respect for the game and both the English language y castellano. Plus, the guy goes to speak to kiddies at Santa Ana schools every year—let’s see Rex Hudler do that.

Readers’ Choice: Rex Hudler, The Angels

Best OC Celebrity
Dean Koontz
It’s an off-year for cheap antics, so Orange County’s best celebrity can’t go to the likes of Kobe Bryant, Jason Wahler or Robert Schuller. Now is the time when a simple, down-to-earth character should reign: Dean Koontz of Newport Coast. The author of more than 70 suspense books (including almost two dozen on The New York Times best-seller lists) that have been the inspiration for numerous movies, Koontz shuns self-promotion and hasn’t yet been caught in a public temper tantrum. In fact, he’d rather spend time studying architecture or writing than looking for the ego boost autograph seekers can provide. Isn’t that soothing for a change? Not that the 62-year-old Pennsylvania native doesn’t indulge himself. He and his wife, Gerda, live in a $25 million-plus Art Deco/Asian-décor mansion with 35,000 square feet of space, 240 degrees of views overlooking Newport Harbor and the ocean, a massive library, and a movie theater. Perhaps it’s no surprise Koontz stays out of trouble. He never wants to leave home.

Best Display of Wealth
Portobello Estate
4627 Brighton Rd., Corona del Mar
Beyond the impressive steel doorway of Attachmate Corp. founder Frank Pritt’s Portobello Estate lies a massive ode to Corona del Mar’s oceanfront scene. The grotto around which the eight-bedroom house sweeps features a replica of the cliff-face below with a waterfall. Marvel at the second-floor swimming pool, its transparent bowl offering an underwater view of its occupants. (A second pool, styled as though it were part of the location’s natural environs, features a tunnel slide.) Inside, you’ll find Texas artist Jesus Morales’ fireplace and nautilus-shell sculpture bookending the living room. Newport Beach-based designer Lisa Slayman put leather tiles on the floor of the software magnate’s home office. And in the basement? An homage to the owner’s Charleston, West Virginia, hometown. You can take a stroll (or a drive, thanks to a special elevator for the car!) down a main street complete with a two-lane bowling alley, old-fashioned soda shop, 12-seat movie theater and a storefront behind which lies a secure jewelry vault. And it can all be yours for only $75 million.

Best City In Which to Live
Tustin
The old and the new co-exist quite contentedly in the city of Tustin, with its neat little old-town district with buildings from the 1880s to its more modern establishments—like the Market Place, a shopping haven it shares with Irvine. Those rolling in dough tend to move into the northern city hills, but Tustin is home to folks across income brackets. Its schools are one perk: Tustin High is known for its Model United Nations program, wherein students play foreign diplomats and engage in debates galore. Tustin’s perch next to Irvine is also ideal for parents who wish to ship their kids off to UC Irvine without those sky-high dorm fees, and its location by Interstate 5 gives the city easy access to the rest of the county.

Best Suburban Neighborhood
Seal Beach
Seal Beach offers a breezy take on suburbia, with quaint one- or two-story homes lining the streets—blissfully free from the “walled-in” state of other pieces of OC’s suburban landscape. (Like much of neighboring Huntington Beach, for instance.) American flags hang from many homes, and well-kept rose bushes sit on manicured lawns. Stained-glass windows dress up many a wall. Driving through the grid can transport one back to the ’50s, with old-school Americana dripping like so much apple pie. But the colorful residents—such as the gent we recently spied with the green hair and surfboard driving his mint-green Cadillac down the road to the strains of the Red Hot Chili Peppers—serve as a reality check. The community’s Main Street is the icing on the cake, as it’s teeming with aromatic eateries and curio shops. The proximity to the surf serves residents well, with cool breezes gusting through this not-so-sleepy town.

Readers’ Choice: Newport Coast

Best Good Luck Charm
Slick the Seal’s Nose

Best Urban Neighborhood
Little Saigon
Is there any question? A traditional American ethnic neighborhood, but without the street urchins and tenement slums. Where foot-long sandwiches set you back 2 bucks, and 2 bucks more buys mini-ponds of pho. Packed with old people, political bosses, rice rockets and cute girls with dyed hair. Visit while you can—those damn second-generation Viets assimilate too fast!

Readers’ Choice: Santa Ana

Best Soon-to-Be-Incorporated Unincorporated Community
Silverado
While the rest of Orange County seems to be getting busy getting BUSY, Silverado remains relatively quiet . . . for now. Sandwiched between Highway 241 and Interstate15, Silverado boasts a few hundred residents and not much else. The town is located within the Cleveland National Forest, but that won’t stop the magnificent and benevolent Irvine Co. (okay, has Don Bren stopped reading yet?) from tearing the hell out of the natural environment surrounding Silverado and building thousands of new homes, increasing traffic, pollution and tacky interior design in the area. In an effort to counter the proposed development, Silverado has, for the past three years, hosted the Treehugger’s Ball, which features live music and environmental activities while raising money for the Canyon Land Conservation Fund, which is doing its darnedest to fight the development. Come out and see this piece of relatively unspoiled Orange County before it goes the way of the orange groves.

Best Place for People-Watching
Downtown Disney
1565 S. Disneyland Dr., Anaheim
www.disneyland.disney.go.com
People from all over the world come to Disneyland and actually believe it’s representative of the rest of California and/or the United States. Watching them is akin to observing small children discovering the McDonalds play area for the first time. But tickets to Disneyland are pretty expensive these days, especially if all you’re going to do is stare at tourists. Fortunately, we have the adjacent Downtown Disney to milk more tourist dollars, while allowing locals the same access to overpriced food and trinkets the theme-park’s guests enjoy. But you’re really paying for the atmosphere: Where else can you drink heavily in an outdoor bar (the Uva) that’s the central hub of a major international tourist walkway? (Don’t drink too heavily, though—the pervasive smell of caramel corn does not mix well with a hangover.) And don’t forget to pay close attention to the staff, as well—they mostly appear to be pretty-person types direct from central casting, so amuse yourself by seeing if you can spot faces with actual character that managed to slip through the cracks.

Best Tourist Trap
Disneyland Park
1313 S. Harbor Blvd., Anaheim
(714) 781-4000
disneyland.disney.go.com
Well, yeah, it’s obvious. And every year, the same pseudo-debate goes around the office: Should we or shouldn’t we? There are a few things to go against it: Strip away the wonderment, magic and childhood nostalgia, and all you’re left with is the tragically unimpressive glitter, pastel paint and Christmas string lights of It’s a Small World; the ever-escalating ticket prices—what was $39 in 1999 is $83 now; the lines—oh, my God, the lines—with the new Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage line clocking in with a three-hour wait on any given day; and the stupidly awesome Southern Californian fake foam snow during the holiday season. And then there’s the dude who got clocked in the brain by a runaway metal cleat aboard the Columbia.

And every year, we faithful respond with the same thing: It’s Disneyland. The same Disneyland with the lovely Gibson Girl waffle cones. The same Disneyland you were once—or still . . . you’re not one of those eccentrics who has a Mickey Mouse flag waving at your house or Disneyana any/everything décor, are you?—kinda excited to visit once or twice a year?

It’s kind of weird, explaining this whole Disney thing. Seriously. Google the world “Disney” and “love” and see what kind of creepy Disney freaks pop up. Yet said creepy Disney freaks are at least still morally defensible. Disney attempts to represent itself with everything good left in this society—gourmand French rats, family values (see: Gay Days and the assholes trying to destroy them), churros. It may all be overwhelming at times, particularly when you’re standing with your kids in the 90-degree heat, watching grown men dressed as pansies (like, literal pansies) jazz-walk down Main Street, but you’re doing it with your kids, you’re making them happy, and your family did it with you. And you were happy. And so, the same argument rings true: It’s Disneyland.

Best Ride at Disneyland
Indiana Jones Adventure
Adventureland at Disneyland Park
1313 S. Harbor Blvd., Anaheim
(714) 781-4000
disneyland.disney.go.com
What lady doesn’t have just a little bit of a crush on Indiana Jones? No, not Harrison Ford (ick!)—Indiana Jones. Females simply cannot help themselves. He is a super-sexy intelligent adventurer whose shirt the womenfolk want to rip off and rub all over their faces. That hat! That whip! And he’s a Ph.D.! Delicious. Now, what could possibly be more thrilling than strapping yourself into a wobbly Jeep and heading on an action-packed thrill ride through the dangerous Temple of the Hidden Eye with an animatronic Dr. Jones as your protector? Nothing, that’s what. Oh, and the fellas dig it, too—just not in the same way (well, not the majority of them).

Best Ride at Knotts Berry Farm
Xcellerator
Knotts Berry Farm
8039 Beach Blvd., Buena Park
(714) 220-5200
www.knotts.com
Xcellerator at Knotts Berry Farm is a nonstop thrill ride to awesomeness. In the words of one happy 12-year-old rider, the reasoning goes something like this: “That. Was. Awesome. You just got done waiting in line for like an hour, and you’re sitting there, strapped into some sort of 1950s-looking contraption, hoping your ride was worth the wait, when the next thing you know, you go from, like, zero to 80 in, like, 10 seconds! Straight in the air ,and then on some sort of half-turn kind of upside-down twist thing, and then you come down the other side, then you shoot around, like, crazy-fast, and it is totally awesome, and you are like, whoa. That was awesome.” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

Best Hotel
The Montage Resort & Hotel
30801 S. Coast Hwy., Laguna Beach
(866) 271-6953
www.montagelagunabeach.com
There’s little argument that the most scenic location in Orange County’s most scenic city, Laguna Beach, is the home to the county’s best hotel: The Montage. Nestled between Pacific Coast Highway and the Pacific Ocean, this relatively new, elegant property gives Laguna Beach its first world-class resort operation. The place is often the overnight home to international jet-setters, Hollywood movie and television stars, and the ultra-wealthy—which might explain the the non-family-friendly room rates: $795 per night to start, depending on the day. One friend of the Weekly who travels 12 hours by jet just to fine dine overseas with his woman says the Montage wins for best views, best service and best rooms (a tasteful Cape Cod style), and it has, he says, the “hands down” best restaurant in OC: chef James Boyce’s Studio.

Readers’ Choice: Montage Resort & Hotel

Best Upper-Class Hotel Pool to Sneak Into
St. Regis Resort
1 Monarch Beach Resort, Dana Point
(949) 234-3200
The St. Regis has three pools. First, a “family-oriented,” lagoon-style pool. Steer clear of this one, as you will either be driven away by the screeching sounds of young children who somehow already know they are better than you, or, being without kids, you’ll be spotted as a fraud and possibly a pedophile. The second pool is the lap pool, which is usually occupied by people who are very serious about getting to the end of that pool and back again (do not get in their way), or the elderly who bob like corks in a leisurely and obstructive manner. You’re not here to exercise, okay? Rich people pay for their exercise in small portions of silicone and Botox. Which brings us to the gem of the sun-soaked resort: the main pool. Adorned with a gorgeous fountain, lined with luscious blue lounge chairs, dotted with overly relaxed, drunk beneficiaries—you definitely don’t belong here. But it’s exactly that sort of attitude that’s going to get you spotted and booted. Act as if you belong there: Strut through the lobby in a stressed-out, flabbergasted manner. Don’t make eye contact with anyone in a bow tie or brown skin. Wrap yourself in a white robe, order a dry martini, and start flirting with the women in large hats, or the men with gray chest hair, whatever your preference. Enjoy the view, and be ready to run.

Best Place to Make New Friends
Theo Lacy Men’s Jail
501 The City Dr. S., Orange
It’s kind of heartwarming, really: Once you arrive, everyone will want to know everything about you: are you a Southsider (U.S.-born Latino), a Paisano (Latino immigrant), or a Wood (pinche gabacho)? What, you say you’re African-American? Asian? Well . . . you might make it out more or less, um, alive. Just make sure nobody thinks you’re a child molester. Seriously.

Best Place to Make a Homeless Friend
The Pier at Seal Beach
The man standing next to you on the pier wears the telltale matted dreads of homelessness, the bottom half of a black ski suit and a soiled white T-shirt. Around his neck hangs a patriotic lei of red, white and blue. His meager belongings are strewn across the wooden bench behind him, and a folded chair with a broken arm sits on the planks beneath his feet. His name is Curtis, and he’s your new friend.

You and Curtis have been friends for around 20 minutes now. You were ambling around the pier when you saw his fishing pole bending in the breeze and wandered over to see if he’d gotten a bite. He tells you he came down here to learn to surf, in part. But boards are expensive commodities, so that was moot. Fortunately, he’d presented himself to a friendly surfing pastor at a nearby church. Maybe luck would smile on him in that department. Curtis hates drugged-out halfway homes and says he has to get creative with his sleeping options. He found the chair he totes at Redondo Beach on the Fourth of July. It’s a bitch attaching the damn thing to his mountain bike, but what can you do. The pier’s his latest zzz-zone, and he has the best cover story to shoo the cops away. How convenient that he isn’t the only rascal lying on a bench next to a fishing rod.

Best Place to Watch a Sunset
From the patio at Las Brisas
Las Brisas Mexican Restaurant
361 Cliff Dr., Laguna Beach
(949) 497-5434
There is no better way to watch the sun sink into the Pacific than while sipping a cool margarita—or whatever your favorite cocktail is—on Las Brisas’ patio. Take a deep breath and watch the stress of your day drown in the sea. Afterward, stroll down to the public gazebo overlooking the shores of Laguna Beach and watch the interiors of all those gorgeous waterfront homes light up as though by magic.

Best Place to Meet Single Women
EssenChill
2406 Newport Blvd., Newport Beach
(949) 673-1400
On Thursday nights, the upstairs loft at Kantina turns into the swanky lounge called EssenChill. The ladies who form the majority of the well-dressed crowd are of the silicone/bleach variety, and they’re on the prowl. Perks include a DJ and a breathtaking view of the Newport Bay. Plus, the space is small enough to actually meet someone, buy her a drink and have a conversation, not lose her in the mass of a larger club. Park your Lamborghini out front for extra points.

Best Place to Meet Single Men
Fox Sports Grill
Irvine Spectrum
31 Fortune Dr., Irvine
(949) 753-1369
Gotta go where the guys are: sports bars. And Fox Sports Grill is a sports bar, yes, but it prides itself on being an upscale one. No peanut shells covering the floor or lingering stench of urine here (translation: it’s female-friendly).

Go on a game night, when the guys come in packs and the testosterone is palpable. Flirt during commercials, and if it’s a Friday, talk him into staying for Chill, Fox Sports Grill’s nightclub, which starts at 9 p.m. Bonus: As the place is in Irvine, you’ll stand a good chance of snagging a rich one.

Best Place for a First Date
The Twisted Vine
127 W. Commonwealth Ave., Fullerton
(714) 871-1200
Nothing loosens up first-date awkwardness like alcohol. Add a dash of rustic surroundings with a pinch of gourmet desert and—tah-dahhhh!—sweet love is conjured out of thin air. At the Twisted Vine, this magical first-date scenario can be played out to the fullest. This lovely wine bar goes against the bro-bar mentality typically associated with downtown Fullerton, with its interior of exposed-brick walls, wood-beam ceilings, candlelight and comfortable seating. Black-and-white images of classic movie actors play on flat-screen televisions behind the bar, and light, soulful music fills the gaps in conversation.

The menu is just as much of a pleasure as the atmosphere thanks to the cleverly written descriptions of the available food and drink. The Twisted Vine serves only appetizers and original desserts, courtesy of chef John Newton, originally of the pricey Summit House restaurant, leaving the palate ready to savor the flavor of the various worldly wines offered. Try stepping outside to their patio section for a cigarette or some stargazing beneath the twinkle lights strewn overhead. And when it comes time to say goodnight, simply walk out the front door and catch an earful of the jazz playing at the club across the street. Grab your sweetie by the hand and have a little dance on the sidewalk before a heavenly goodnight kiss.

Best Place for a Second Date
Chat Noir
655 Anton Blvd., Costa Mesa
(714) 557-6647
www.culinaryadventures.com
The dining room is exquisite, but we’re specifically talking about the covered patio. Imagine your own ultra-plush living room, but with a waitress and a live jazz band. Get to know each other better in, on and around velvet-covered loveseats and couches. Or sit in a canopied private booth around a fireplace while enjoying champagne cocktails and fresh fruit over ice cream. When the get-to-know-ya small talk has been done, but its too soon to, uh, do anything else (that’s the third date, you cad), Chat Noir is just the place.

Best Place to Slow Dance
Leisure World
13533 Seal Beach Blvd., Seal Beach
(562) 430-0534
www.lwsb.com
One of the best things you can do when hung over is watch the public-access channel because, as everyone knows, viewing the senior citizen dance-a-thon they broadcast near-daily for hours of the playing schedule is the greatest darn hangover remedy on earth. These golden guys and gals can definitely cut a rug to all sorts of funky jams, and this gem of a show is filmed in the hippest of all senior living communities, Leisure World in Seal Beach. Leisure World offers several dance classes for these aging bodies, but you certainly won’t be able tell their ages by the way those wrinkled bodies move! They can bust a Charleston that would put even the freshest of youngsters to shame. Retirement doesn’t necessarily mean slowing down, people. And—oh, yes—these dancers know how to slow it down.

Best Passport to Medical Marijuana
Offices of Dr. Philip Denney
22691 Lambert St., Lake Forest
(949) 855-8845
Denney is the premiere medical-marijuana doctor in California. He opened this office so you don’t have to drive to LA or San Francisco to get your doctor’s permission allowing you to smoke cannabis under Proposition 215. Hint from a recent episode of Entourage: Don’t tell the doc you suffer from Legionnaire’s Disease.

Best Way to Recycle Beer Cans
Make Redneck Wind Chimes
Every second Saturday of July, madness strikes the strip of land before the train tracks at Laguna Niguel. Thousands of beer-chugging, tit-flashing, pants-dropping OC folk gather with their trailers and motorcycles for the annual Mooning of the Amtrak. At this year’s spectacle, you might have noticed that someone had devised a clever way to recycle their cans of Coors Light. Hanging from one trailer was a piece of wood that read “REDNECK WINDCHIMES” in bright red. Suspended beneath the sign on thin chains were four beer cans, two weighed down by bells that jingled in the breeze. Whoever’s making moolah off of these babies is just genius.

Best Festival
The Sawdust Festival
935 Laguna Canyon Rd., Laguna Beach
(949) 494-3030
By the time you read these words, the annual Sawdust Festival will have come and gone. But Orange County’s oldest arts festival is still going strong after 41 years. What’s great about the Sawdust Festival isn’t the fact that it’s cutting-edge—it isn’t—or that it showcases art of uniformly grand quality—it doesn’t—but that it’s a great place to bring the kids and do some spur-of-the-moment shopping. Just $7 gets you in the door for the day, and you can show up all summer long for just $13, which means you’ll still have plenty of cash left over for some funky pottery, maybe even an enigmatic metal sculpture by Dion Wright, one of the festival’s founders.

Best Convention
North American Reptile Breeders Association
www.narbc.com
www.reptileconference.com
They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have an issue, so we applaud the folks at the North American Reptile Breeders Association for their willingness to not only come out in public, but to also celebrate their interests with a convention. In fact, this month, they are hosting their third annual trade show at the Anaheim Convention Center, and thank God, it’s open to the public. From a press release: “Don’t miss this opportunity to get up close and personal with snakes, frogs, turtles, geckos, iguanas [and] tortoises and purchase all of the supplies need[ed] to support a herp hobby!”

Best Reason to Live In Orange County
The Reconquista
See the land of Nixon revert to Mexico in real time!

Best Non-Human Undocumented Immigrants
Wild Parrots
(714) 442-9474
www.lilysanctuary.org
Nobody really knows when or how these border jumpers arrived in Orange County, but they seem to be thriving and multiplying. Much like other immigrants, the wild parrots of Orange County come from many different countries below the border, mainly Central and South America, and seem to do jobs the locals don’t want: namely, eating exotic nuts and fruits that have been imported into the area and are not generally eaten by native animals. They are the same as many parrots sold in pet stores and have the same disconcerting ability to sound almost human. If you hear them, you might think—as one Weekly reporter did—that a neighbor somewhere has tied their mentally handicapped child to a tree because they couldn’t stand the incessant, incoherent blathering. It might just be a nearby flock of parrots . . . but to be safe, call child protective services. If you want take in a homeless bird and try to domesticate it, call or visit Fountain Valley’s Lily Sactuary online.

Best Conspiracy
The Partnership
Three years after being elected to the board of trustees of the Orange Unified School District, Steve Rocco—who won his seat by calling himself an “educator” and running against a teachers-union-supported opponent in a notoriously right-wing district—still hasn’t given up his crusade to expose “The Partnership.” This conspiracy, Rocco says, controls county government and is made up of a secret cabal involving the Albertsons grocery chain, Kodak Film Corp. and SmokeCraft Sausage. Rocco first came in contact with the nefarious Partnership more than two decades ago when he was (falsely, he claims) arrested for shoplifting several rolls of Kodak film and a SmokeCraft sausage at an Albertsons supermarket. Thanks to Rocco’s endless sermons about the Partnership at school-board meetings, he faces a possible recall election before his seat comes up for re-election next November. Will the Partnership succeed?

Best Delicious Irony
Communist Ownership of Freedom Communications Inc.
Few U.S. media corporations have published more anti-communist China sentiment than Orange County-based Freedom Communications Inc., parent of The Orange County Register. Indeed, the corporation’s charter calls on it to “cherish the basic freedom of individual expression” and “stand for human liberty.” More than once, the paper’s editorial writers alleged with partisan fervor that President Bill Clinton’s administration had sold high-tech secrets to the Red Chinese. Over the decades, the Reg has espoused a better-dead-than-Red philosophy. Nowadays, which California news source is certifiably more Communist than any other? The Register! In May, the Communist government—through the “People’s Bank of China” in Beijing—bought a $3 billion stake in the Blackstone Group, owners of Freedom Communications and the Reg.

Best Local Organization Whose Existence We Can’t Confirm or Deny
MUFON-OC
5267 Warner Ave., Ste. 275, Huntington Beach
(714) 520-4836
www.mufonoc.org
MUFON-OC, which stands for the Mutual UFO Network of Orange County, is the local chapter of a nationwide organization devoted to the study of UFOs, conspiracy theories and other things in which you probably think you’re too cool to believe. On the third Wednesday of each month, the group hosts a speaker at the Costa Mesa Neighborhood Community Center (1845 Park Ave.) in an effort to examine phenomena with which the federal government wishes people wouldn’t bother. In the 10 years that MUFON-OC has existed, they’ve brought in a number of Art Bell-approved speakers, though they’ve yet to convince the skeptical mainstream media of the existence of these extraterrestrial crafts. Even if you’re not a believer yourself, a MUFON-OC meeting is never anything less than a fascinating glimpse into the fringes of accepted human experience. Come with an open mind, and if you’re such a jaded skeptic that you can’t possibly entertain the idea of an existence outside the realms of common human perception, at least you can giggle smugly. And meetings are free! See, there’s something for everyone!

Best Politician In Orange County
Tim Steed
How does a politically minded person grow up in “Reagan Country” and resist the seemingly automatic—robotic?—path to serve the Republican Party? Huh, Tim? Perhaps he doesn’t like to wear suits at summer barbecues, lick envelopes for Dana Rohrabacher, or salute each time local GOP boss Scott Baugh enters the room. Actually, here’s how it happened: “I asked a college Republican in a booth where I could find a booth for Democrats. Like it was his responsibility to know! I was green behind the ears at the time. The guy was a smartass and said, ‘Why don’t you start your own club?’ I went directly to the Inter-Club Council on campus and did it. Little did I know that the event would fundamentally change my life.” Since then, Steed has reinvigorated Orange County Democratic clubs. The tireless 26-year-old progressive has organized high schools and colleges, conducted get-out-the-vote drives, walked precincts for voter education, given countless inspiring speeches, and helped raise hard-to-find cash. This year, Steed’s efforts were recognized throughout the state. He is serving as president of the California Young Democrats. And get this: He lives in Republican heaven—Newport Beach.

Readers’ Choice: Loretta Sanchez

Best Political Coup
Van Tran, Michael Schroeder and Trung Nguyen
OC elections are often boring, predictable affairs, but a Republican politician and two Republican operatives this year caused the biggest electoral tsunami since an unknown Democrat, Loretta Sanchez, beat a giant, Bob Dornan, 11 years ago. Even better: “Nobody was paying any attention to us,” recalls Michael J. Schroeder, who along with state Assemblyman Van Tran and GOP activist/candidate Trung Nguyen, altered the county’s political landscape for years to come. “Some people actually thought we were nuts.” The trio crafted a strategy that flipped a special election for the 1st supervisorial district (Santa Ana, Westminster, Garden Grove and Midway City), where conventional wisdom held either veteran Democrat Tom Umberg or Republican Carlos Bustamante as the favorites to win. Historically, the seat has been controlled by a mix of Latinos, labor unions and conservative Democrats. But Tran-Schroeder-Nguyen focused a $225,000 campaign solely on Little Saigon’s Vietnamese population. While polls showed the likes of Umberg and Bustamante far ahead, they failed to measure the pending avalanche of first-time Vietnamese voters.

“We’d call individuals six times to make sure they completed their absentee ballots and got 64.5 percent turnout in Little Saigon while the rest of the district was, like, 9 percent,” Schroeder said. “We did it all with bikes and phones.” As a result, Umberg and Bustamante were trounced. The two top candidates were both Vietnamese Americans, a historic first. But while the strategy rocked OC politics, this coup came with a twist: It was Janet Nguyen, not Trung Nguyen, who ultimately won the seat by just seven votes out of 46,000 ballots. Schroeder is appealing the result and says his candidate was the actual winner. Regardless of which Nguyen won, Little Saigon flexed its political muscle, and now politicians of every stripe are kissing ass there.

Best Quote
U.S. Representative Dana Rohrabacher
Reacting to a recent report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change concluding that global warming is “unequivocal” and human activity is the main cause, the Huntington Beach Republican busted out this gem: “Could be dinosaur flatulence, you know, or who knows?” Rohrabacher was postulating that dinosaur farts caused a recently discovered period of global warming 55 million years ago.

Best Political Exchange
Mayor Gil Coerper and Mayor Pro Tem Debbie Cook
Huntington Beach City Council
In July, the Huntington Beach City Council debated an ordinance to strengthen anti-public nudity after Police Chief Kenneth Small gave false information about the extent of the problem. Anyway, the debate led to a wonderful exchange between Mayor Gil Coerper and Mayor Pro Tem Debbie Cook about what might constitute nudity in the eyes of the police:

Cook: “You can’t see someone changing under a towel. They’re not publicly nude.”

Coerper: “They’re nude under the towel.”

Cook: “Under our clothes, we’re all nude.”

Best Political Protest
Coalition Against Unnecessary Wars
Corner of Bristol Street and Anton Boulevard, Costa Mesa
For more info, call Mike Mang, (949) 721-1139
This is the original anti-Bush imperialism protest in OC and has been meeting every Friday night for the past six years. The title used to refer to the U.S. invasion of Afghanistan, then Iraq, and now its organizers are focused on preventing an invasion of Iran, or North Korea, or maybe Canada. You get the idea. Its rush-hour location in front of South Coast Plaza makes it the county’s most high-profile protest.

Best Way to Go Native
Join the Orange County Republican Party
www.ocgop.org
It is, after all, “America’s Most Republican Party,” according to the OC chapter’s slogan. A good place to start is by browsing their website. Vote for your favorite conservative commentator! Choose between Ann Coulter, Rush, Billo, Hannity, Dennis Prager and “Other.” Gosh, you can only vote for one? (At press time, Rush was in the lead with 23 percent.) Anyway, you should probably dress, um, conservatively before heading out to whatever local event that’s coming up. There are all sorts of exciting ones, like the upcoming Anaheim Mayor’s Prayer Breakfast, with its special guest, former football great Lynn Swann, who will no doubt talk about “stiff-arming” taxes and sacking illegal-immigrant sign-holders, or whatever. This sort of stuffed-shirt idealism/fantasy will prepare you for the hobnobbing you’re going to be doing later in the day. You’ll learn such key phrases as “socialized medicine,” “9/11 changed everything” and “Islamo-fascist.” Repeat these over and over, no matter how little sense they make. Brag about how much you dropped to meet Giuliani, and you’re halfway there.

Best Capitalist Pig
Eric Paul Anderson
If you want to learn how to maximize profits each day, look to Eric Paul Anderson, a 37-year-old Laguna Niguel entrepreneur extraordinaire. Police say that at the same time he operated an illegal, million-dollar-plus computer-chip business, Anderson also ran a high-end prostitution ring from a $1.8 million house in a gated community. Wait, we’re not done: A man who knows how to use his resources, he also sold his wife for $500 per hour, according to the sheriff’s department—which tested Anderson’s, uh, products several times—before arresting him in January 2006. He’s still awaiting trial.

Best Judge
Frank F. Fasel
Remember Larry Seidlin, the joke-cracking, bizarrely emotional Florida judge who presided over Anna Nicole Smith’s corpse earlier this year? Fasel, one of Orange County’s senior Superior Court criminal judges, is the polar opposite. On the bench, the 68-year-old former Vietnam-era Marine first lieutenant is dry, humorless and often looks as if he has smelled a fart when lawyers try to be cute or clever. Fasel, a former LA and OC prosecutor, also noticeably chafes at media presence in his courtroom. Earlier this year, during the pretrial hearings of indicted Assistant Sheriff George Jaramillo, he routinely ordered the lawyers into his chambers for secrecy when reporters arrived. Despite the crankiness, the George Deukmejian appointee is brilliant when it comes to running an efficient courtroom, considering legal arguments and guaranteeing fair trials. Word of advice to defense lawyers who’ll need theatrics to win over a jury: If you land in Triple-F’s courtroom, don’t even try it.

Best Lawyer
Paul S. Meyer
695 Town Center Dr., Costa Mesa
(714) 754-6500
True story: Earlier this year, we overheard an Orange County criminal-defense lawyer fretting about his desire to start a Caribbean vacation minutes before giving a closing statement on behalf of his client, an accused felon facing life in prison if convicted. Also true: The night before giving an opening statement, another well-known defense lawyer spent the evening getting intoxicated with buddies at a bar. These stories aren’t to say that all criminal-defense lawyers here suck, but merely to establish contrast with Paul S. Meyer. Tough-on-crime folks can say many things about Meyer, but two descriptions you’ll never hear are lazy and incompetent. The 60-year-old former prosecutor is a technical master of courtroom procedures, an exceptional manipulator of juries and a pit bull with alleged victims and prosecution witnesses. The New York City native and UCLA graduate is never unprepared. In the first Jeffrey Nielsen sex-crimes trial, Meyer dominated the courtroom. Police accused Nielsen—a former assistant to Congressman Dana Rohrabacher and close pals with local GOP boss Scott Baugh—of having sex with an underage Westminster High School freshman and possessing a huge cache of man-boy and boy-boy sex pictures. Meyer-inspired trial delays of four years allowed a less-aggressive Orange County district attorney’s office to botch the solid child-pornography-possession charges, aged the victim from 13 to 18 and caused prosecution witnesses to lose memories. During the trial, a ballsy Meyer grabbed the role of outraged prosecutor from the outset—treating police detectives, sexual-assault specialists and the victim as if they were lowlife criminals. Where many defense lawyers would have lost and watched their get client shipped to a California prison, he won a deadlock. The only question for you future crooks is: Can you afford Meyer? Probably not.

Best Local Invention In Progress
A Human-Interface Battle-Control System
Earlier this year, Fullerton’s Thales-Raytheon Systems Co. won a $30 million Department of Defense contract to build a “Human Machine Interface, Tactical Display Framework Shared Services and Data Link enhancements” for a battle-control system. The system will give commanders the ability to incorporate real-time data onto three-dimensional maps. Honestly, we don’t understand much more of the description, but it sounds pretty cool.

Best Idea That Doesn’t Actually Work
Toll Roads
Ideally, toll roads are supposed to generate income for a county and alleviate traffic congestion. The concept is free-market capitalism at its purest. If you’ve got the cash, then you don’t need to wait in traffic with the hoi polloi. If only they actually worked the way they were supposed to. One of the most contentious issues in recent Orange County history, the debate over the construction of the San Onofre toll road, showed the limitations of toll-roading—the environmental impact, the fact that toll roads may actually increase traffic by encouraging rampant development everywhere they touch, and that as gas gets more expensive, people will start using the toll roads less as a necessity. You’d think that if the powers that be were thinking about permanently screwing up San Onofre State Beach, it would be for a far, far better reason than another flippin’ toll road.

Best Waste of Your Money
The Great Park Balloon, Irvine
What’s big, round, orange and costs Irvine taxpayers $5 million for a view of a piece of land one can see from the frickin’ Interstate 5 anyway?

You guessed it: that darn Great Park balloon rising above the former El Toro Marine Corps Air Station. Balloon rides are free for the attraction’s first year of operation, putting it in the red by $850,000. Great Park spokeswoman Marsha Burgess told the Los Angeles Times she “wouldn’t characterize it as a deficit.” Um, right.

Best Place to Hear a Pin Drop
Huntington Beach Central Library
7111 Talbert Ave., Huntington Beach
(714) 842-4481
www.hbpl.org
While there has been much talk recently about the death of the printed word, it’s good to know there are still some places where the children of today can go and see how information used to be passed on from generation to generation. The Huntington Beach Library, located at the outskirts of the city’s gorgeous Central Park, stands as the nicest library in the county. The building’s location and architecture are beautiful, the Internet access is free to cardholders, and the book selection is extensive. Come see this place while the government begrudgingly funds it.

Best Charity
AIDS Services Foundation Orange County
17982 Sky Park Circle, Ste. J, Irvine
(949) 809-5700
asf@ocasf.org
To appreciate how hard the folks at the AIDS Services Foundation work to draw attention to and raise money for their cause, attend their annual hilarious Splash event on either Sept. 28 or 29 at the Festival of the Arts in Laguna Beach. But the foundation does much more than throw a great party: It also organizes the county’s successful AIDS walks and provides food, transportation, housing, emergency assistance, mental-health counseling and prevention services to needy folks. At the moment, more than 1,500 local men, women and children living with HIV benefit from the group’s work.

Best Trend
Reading
Remember when all the cool kids made fun of you for reading? While everyone else was off playing soccer, kickball, braiding one another’s hair, jumping rope, and being social and shit, you were curled up in a patch of shade with a copy of Judy Blume’s latest magnum opus. And you weren’t cool.

Those asshole kids who made fun of you may have grown up into asshole adults who make fun of you, but there’s hope yet for Generation Z. Reading is cool now. At least, within certain hipster subcultures it is—and we’re not just talking about Harry Potter. It’s cool if you’re able to state which of Godard’s muses is your favorite, rattle off a list of Beat poets or identify a Judd from a Serra.

A visit to a local Urban Outfitters will reveal a wide wooden table with faux-vintage finishing covered by a large array of books. Actual books. Sure, it only showcases some of the obligatory postmodern (or post-postmodern . . . depends on who you’re asking) writers—Palahniuk, Kerouac, Murakami, Salinger, Plath, whatever—you gotta read to make it at any hipster gathering, but at least they’re books. And you might spot a kid, 13 at the most, running around the store in a T-shirt that features a bust of the Bard himself and reads “Prose before Hos.” That’s awesome.

Best Way to Get a Free Tattoo
Date/Marry/Do the Tattoo Artist
Lilian Parchen: Wears an inked Halloween mural that spans her back and arms. Her husband? Tattoo artist Jim Parchen.

Melanie Brink: Peel down her pretty polka-dotted frock and meet her swirling Gothic tat masterpiece. Her boy toy, Ryan Brink, is the man behind the mural.

Kari Hoy’s arm sleeves are inked on. Her pet man? Tat god Jay Savij.

You might have met these ladies, as well as many others, at this year’s Ink & Iron festival aboard the Queen Mary in Long Beach. It seems you can save thousands of dollars in incredible ink by showing the artist a little love . . . okay, make that a LOT.

Best View That’s Open to the Public
Ronald Reagan Federal Courthouse
411 W. Fourth St., Santa Ana
It wasn’t built for sightseeing, but the marble, 11-story Ronald Reagan federal courthouse in Santa Ana offers sweeping views of coastal Orange County. Opened in 1998, the building stands 176 feet tall. From a top-floor perch, you can look through floor-to-ceiling windows to see Catalina, Signal Hill, Newport Coast, Fashion Island, Irvine’s Great Park, and the jets taking off or landing at John Wayne Airport. Bonus: Federal officials say you can enjoy the view without worrying about the structure crumbling. They say it’s terrorist-proof.

Best Public Transportation
Latino Bike Riders
Some clueless organization might’ve deemed Orange County Transportation Authority the county’s best public transportation a couple of years ago, but we all laughed—most Orange Countians stick to their cars because of OCTA’s ineptitude and hour-long trips for journeys that take no longer than 15 minutes by car. Really, the best public transportation are the Latino bike riders who eschew car and bus for the simplicity of two wheels—BMX, Schwinn, mountain bike, those small silver things cholos love so much. Whereas gabachos see biking to work as a luxury that might afford them a better chance to lay some eco-friendly chick, these Latino Armstrongs have no choice—no money, no gas-driven wheels, no care for bike lanes, even! See them every dawn as you prepare for the hell that is the 5/91/55/405/22 morning commute, and feel jealous.

Best Public Restroom
The Pacific Ocean
It’s tempting to take the easy way out with this category. Places like the women’s lounge at the shiny new Bloomingdale’s over at South Coast Plaza, or any schmancy boutique or oceanside restaurant that charges $30 for “gourmet” mac and cheese probably would have done just fine. Or there’s the seeeerious route: The San Clemente State Beach restrooms are damn near impeccable for some real public restrooms (no urine-soaked floors!). But no! Chances are, if you grew up here, you grew up with the ocean as a constant neighbor (or, at least, a somewhat close-by neighbor), and if you didn’t grow up here, you’re somewhat grateful for the proximity, anyway.

Yup, that’s right. We’re saying how lovely our beaches are while simultaneously, in a roundabout way, encouraging you to make Nos. 1 and 2 in them. It really is the biggest, best, most easily accessible public restroom out there. And you just know that we’ve all done it before at some point in time.

Right? (Actually, we take it back about the whole No. 2 thing. Don’t shit in the ocean. That water has no business up your pooper.)

Best Place to Spend a Rainy Day
Walt’s Warf
201 Main St. Seal Beach
(562) 598-4433
You know the feeling: The summer is long over, and it’s been blustery and cold all week. The brown leaves on the ground snap and crack under your feet. It’s a lazy Sunday, and you’re thinking about the lack of anything to do when the drumming starts on the roof of your house—it’s raining. You do the obvious thing: Head to Seal Beach. Parking is a breeze.

You walk down the ramp and gaze across the bay at the Queen Mary in the distance, and then turn north and feel the rain and wind on your face. That’s when you see a lone figure in the distance walking your way. The jacketed figure says hello, and you stutter something about the “nice weather we’re having.” The two of you head south again, leaving the only tracks on the beach. After a bafflingly easy conversation, you both decide you’ve had enough of the rosy-cheeked weather and turn back toward Main Street, and you, having read this Best Way to Spend a Rainy Day entry, say, “I know a little place.”

The hostess of Walt’s Wharf opens the door for the two of you and shows you to a little table in the corner, and you ask the waitress to bring you a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, an order of steamed clams and two bread bowls of clam chowder. From there, it’s pretty much all happily ever after. The two of you go back to your place, make love and stay in bed for the rest of the day. And THAT is how you spend a rainy day.

Best Road to Avoid
Brookhurst Street
It’s not just congestion that makes Brookhurst—between Garden Grove Boulevard and Bolsa Avenue in Little Saigon—a nightmare. It’s the abundance of drivers who don’t react to green lights, are willing to cross two or three lanes of traffic to make an illegal turn, and—we’re not making this up—will stop without notice nowhere near a stop sign or stoplight. To this mix, add traffic signals that seem designed to clog traffic, and you’ve got horn-honking mayhem that makes the 55 look tranquil.

Best Crazy Drive That Isn’t PCH
Carbon Canyon Road, Brea
Take Highway 57, exit Lambert, and head east. Pass the standard office buildings and tract-house neighborhoods, the former nursery (sure to be more ordinary tract-house neighborhoods soon), and shoot onto Carbon Canyon Road. Watch your speed for the first quarter-mile or so because the Brea cops will nail you. Once the road turns from six lanes to two, you are home free —for a while.

Suddenly, you find yourself transported from the suburban malaise of north Orange County to a hairy, wooded, two-lane deathtrap! Seriously, don’t drive too fast; teenagers tend to get a little out of control and, well, crash every once in a while.

Pray that you don’t get stuck behind the old lady who thinks double-digit speed is pushing the envelope, and enjoy the scenery. There’s a lot of history on this little connector road to the Inland Empire. It’s been home to a now-abandoned hot springs retreat, as well as the former site of a biker bar, a mob killing, and even a failed attempt at an artificial ski resort—seriously.

Just shy of the county line is a mysterious driveway that first warns against trespassing, and then backs it up with a gate, guard and air of mystery that makes you want to bust through the front lines and find out what the hell is going on in there (if anyone knows, drop us a line will you?).

After you pass the compound, or whatever it is, stop in at the little convenience store, buy a bottle of imported Mexican Coca-Cola made with real sugar, and hit the road again. Drive slowly and enjoy the little haphazardly planned community unofficially known as Sleepy Hollow. You’re officially in Chino Hills now, and then the only thing beyond that is Chino, so for God’s sake, turn around and come back already.

Best Carpool Lane
Interstate 405 to Highway 55 to Interstate 5 to Highway 57
As OC residents, we’re cursed with some of America’s shittiest freeways—which we’re forced to use to get around, or the hell out of, this place. The so-called Orange Crush of the Interstate 5, Highway 22 and Highway 57 interchange in Orange was listed by the Guinness Book of World Records in 2002 as the most complex road interchange in the world, stating that it’s an intersection of an astounding 34 different routes. Coming up from the 22, you have about 3.5 seconds to haul ass across three different lanes to get to the 5 South onramp, all the while worrying whether that big rig or lowered Honda’s going to let you by. Hell, sometimes it takes 45 minutes just to go two miles north on the 405 on a bad day.

But there’s always one part of an OC commute that’s okay: the carpool lane that runs from the 405 to the 55 to the 5 to the 57 (and the other way, of course)—all in one nice long swoop, even separating at one point into its own ramp, soaring above all those single-passenger suckers below. The majestic lane runs shortly into the 57, which also means immediate, hellish merging, but isn’t it worth it for a few minutes of actually driving nearly the speed limit on the freeway?

Best Freeway Interchange
Interstate 5 North to Highway 91 West
Heading north out of Anaheim toward the South Bay of Los Angeles provides one of the most exciting drives in Orange County, provided the weather is cooperative. The interchange from the 5 to the 91 takes you on an electric-light-flanked, elevated curve toward Buena Park. The ramp is unremarkable enough in the daylight, but on certain foggy winter nights, when the dense mist blocks out the lampposts, the yellow-orange lights floating eerily in the air above your car makes it look as though you are about to be sucked into the belly of a giant alien spacecraft. For added, evil fun, take the kids along and give them abduction nightmares for life.

Best Cemetery
Sea Breeze Pet Cemetery
19542 Beach Blvd., Huntington Beach
(714) 962-7111
www.seabreezepetcemetery.com

It’s not nearly as creepy as it sounds. Promise. You’ve passed it dozens of times on the way to the beach—a faded, sky-blue sign in curlicue script, amongst commercial buildings, fast-food joints and plazas, announcing a . . . pet cemetery?

Rest assured: It’s nothing like Stephen King’s pet cemetery ( . . . or, er, Sematary) of 1989. In fact, it’s pretty much the opposite: rows and rows of tiny graves belonging to some of the most loved creatures in all the county—our pets. Sure, it sounds kind of strange, but really, it makes plenty of sense. Over time, our pets—our dogs, cats, rats, and even some raccoons and monkeys—come to be part of our families. And why not give a family member a proper goodbye? Granted, visiting the cemetery’s office (which houses a dim visitation room, some tombstones and a display of teeny pet coffins) is a tad unnerving, but a walk through the actual cemetery, littered with artificial flowers, American flags, banners and even pets’ favorite toys, can actually be kind of soothing. Exploring the cemetery’s paved pathways, you can read the last messages dedicated owners had for their animals on their headstones. It can be sweet (the cap-wearing, rose-adorned monument for World War II canine hero Sarge), funny (a pet rat that lived to be 7 years old named Willyum Yummers), amazing (parakeet Katie Teeter was born in 1883), or just plain heart-wrenching (on a headstone for “Our Big Goofy,” K.K. the cat: “The day you reached out your paw to us through your cage door at the shelter was the luckiest day of our lives. So long, for now”).

Best Place to Get Lashed
The Brig Pilgrim
24200 Dana Point Harbor Dr., Dana Point
(949) 496-2274
www.ocean-institute.org/html/brig_pilgrim.html
The Ocean Institute in Dana Point currently houses the Pilgrim, a full-sized replica of the ship from Richard Henry Dana’s novel Two Years Before the Mast. Staffed by knowledgeable tour guides in period costume, the Pilgrim offers guests the opportunity to get a taste of 19th-century life at sea without the pesky scurvy and pirate attacks. For the sea-chantey enthusiast, the Pilgrim hosts musical events throughout the summer. The ship sets sail annually up the coast on a goodwill tour (which is how Dana Point has maintained such good trading relationships with the East Indies). Get a closer look every Sunday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., when the institute hosts a sort of open house.

Best Gondola Ride
Gondola Getaway
5437 E. Ocean Blvd., Long Beach
(562) 433-9595
www.gondolagetawayinc.com
Romance rises from its watery grave at Naples, where the lovely folks at Gondola Getaway ferry visitors under bridges and through canals over the still waters of Alamitos Bay. The group owns 10 gondolas—the smallest of which can carry two, the largest 14. Gondoliers wear the traditional striped shirts and provide their fares with a basket of French bread, cheese and salami, as well as an ice bucket and glasses (though you have to bring your own champagne or coffee). Blankets are thrown over the wooden gondolas for guests to wrap themselves in as the motorless boats float through the canals. The 50-minute cruise drifts through the ritzy homes of Naples, providing even Long Beach residents with a view of their city they’ve never seen. Cruises start at 11 a.m. and go on till 11 p.m., when street lamps light the journey. Prices start at $75 per boat. And yes, you can get married in them. Though gondoliers will tell you that’s overdone.

Best Place to Catch a Titillating Glimpse of a Woman’s Ankle
Heritage House
Fullerton Arboretum
1900 Associated Rd., Fullerton
657-278-3579
arboretum.fullerton.edu/house/house.asp
This preserved Victorian-era home was originally built for and occupied by Fullerton physician Dr. George C. Clark and stood at the corner of Amerige and Harvard (now Lemon). In 1972, the house was moved to its current location in the Fullerton Arboretum and now hosts tours and workshops that present the lifestyle and culture of Victorian America to guests. It’s sometimes hard to imagine a Victorian Orange County—hell, it’s sometimes hard to imagine an Orange County pre-South Coast Plaza—but Heritage House is keeping the flame alive.

The house also hosts a collection of Victorian medical artifacts, so if your kids seem uninterested in the idea of an educational experience, you can always punch it up by telling them the house is haunted by the victims of turn-of-the-century medical practices.

Best Altarpiece
Mission Basilica San Juan Capistrano’s Grand Retablo
31522 Camino Capistrano, San Juan Capistrano
(949) 234-1360
If you’re going to fall to your knees in front of something representing the highest power, it better be something pretty darn bitchen. The folks at Mission Basilica San Juan Capistrano must have had this in mind when they commissioned 85 craftsmen in Spain to create the Grand Retablo, the massive golden altarpiece that adorns the mission chapel today. A very grand $2 million was poured into this masterpiece of Brazilian cedar and 24-karat-gold flakes, which stands more than four stories high and is adorned with swallows and saints. It brought tears to the eyes of parishioners when it was unveiled in March, and rightfully so.

Best Way of the Cross, or Via Dolorosa
Trinity Christian City International
3150 Bear St., Costa Mesa
(714) 708-5405
Many churches line their pillars with crosses to signify each segment of Jesus Christ’s painful journey to Calvary. Come Easter time, the faithful make the trek from station to station, reading passages to re-create his ordeal. At the Trinity Broadcasting Network’s Costa Mesa headquarters, they pull out all the stops to make the Via Dolorosa (Way of the Cross) experience hit home. Instead of simple stations, visitors walk through a dimly lit movie set resembling a Jerusalem street, which leads to a small diorama of Calvary—complete with thunder and lightning effects. It’s as good as it gets for a tangible walk in Jesus’ shoes. But for the masochists who truly want to take in Christ’s sweat, blood and tears, this may be too hokey. For those special people in the room: You’d be better off renting a certain Mel Gibson DVD.