July 15, 2007

Together at birth, torn apart at death

Twins turn to support group to cope with loss of closest sibling

By MICHAEL E. YOUNG / The Dallas Morning News

When her 51-year-old brother died, Sandra Brown's first thought was, "Why didn't I die with him?"

Then she wondered: "How can I live in the world as a single person?"

As they grew up around Mansfield, it was always Sammy-and-Sandra. Sure, they fussed and fought like any siblings, but they entered this world together and to everyone who knew the McAda twins, they were inseparable.

"I never had a birthday by myself – I was always with him," said Ms. Brown, 57. "Even after we got out of school, we worked together. We lived close enough that we could see each other's house."

And when Sammy McAda died almost six years ago after surgery, Ms. Brown lost something of herself.

"When your twin dies, you lose part of your identity," she said. "It's a loss no one else can understand except another twin."

Helping twins deal with that loss is one of the reasons behind Twinless Twins Support Group International, which will hold its annual conference in Arlington beginning Wednesday.

"When I lost Sammy, I was having all these feelings and ideas and I'm thinking, 'Am I going crazy?' " Ms. Brown said. "But when I went to my first conference, I realized I wasn't crazy. Most twins feel this way. And other people don't understand."

Most people, especially "singletons" – people who were born solo – think losing a twin is much like losing any other sibling. But it's not, twins say.

"I lost my brother a few years ago, and it was sad that he was gone and he died much too young," said Margaret Daffin of Houston, president of Twinless Twins.

"But nothing compares to my sister's death."

Margaret and Josie were born 10 minutes apart 59 years ago, Margaret the elder and Josie her constant shadow. They were a matched set, and even the inevitable distances of adulthood couldn't break their bond.

At 26, Margaret left their native England to spend two years working in America. Two years soon became 20, but the sisters were as close as they possibly could be.

"I was away for a long time, but the bond never changed," Ms. Daffin said. "We were always thinking of each other. We spoke once a week on the phone. Unfortunately, e-mail hadn't gotten to where it is now, or we would have been e-mailing every day."

Josie Wilson was killed trying to leave an abusive husband, devastating her sister.

"It is 11 years since Josie was murdered, and it's always there," Ms. Daffin said. "It gets softer with time. You learn to deal with it. You learn to get on with your life if you choose to, if you can. Some can't. I've been lucky. I've been able to move on.

"But it never goes away."

Holly Crochet of Fort Worth feels much the same way, though her twin died before birth. Still, Perry's presence remains a constant in her life. Being a twin is part of who she is.

"You don't know any other way," said Ms. Crochet, 55. "And when one dies, very often the surviving twin is suicidal. They have a death wish. For those of us who lose our twins early, our whole life is affected.

"People say you don't remember it, but you know some things innately."

The bond begins with conception, two tiny beings sharing their mother's womb, floating together in a world of their own.

"The research that's been done in the last 10 years with ultrasound has allowed us to observe twins in the womb, the in utero bonding," Ms. Crochet said. "Twins and other multiples just bond – a stronger bond than even the mother-child bond.

"And as a mother, I know how strong that bond is with my own children."

When death separates twins, the bond remains, and so does the pain – and the crippling sense of loss.

"The grief never lessens," Ms. Crochet said. "It remains the same intensity.

"We learn how to cope to a degree. We learn to accept it. But it's always painful. And that's true of identicals and fraternals.

"They bond even if they are in different sacs," she said of fraternal twins, the much more common variety. "All twins really believe this, that there is some form of communication, telepathic to a degree, and I think that starts in the womb.

"Scientists might disagree with me, but we know differently."

Dr. Nancy L. Segal, a professor of psychology at California State University, Fullerton, and director of the school's Twins Study Center, has been researching twins and their relationships for more than 20 years.

A twin herself, she's convinced that the grief associated with losing a twin is the most intense of any relationship. The only other loss of similar intensity is that of a parent who loses a child, Dr. Segal said.

And when one twin dies, the other often experiences survivor's guilt or crippling fears of his or her own death.

Those who lose their twin at birth sometimes face lifelong difficulties forming other relationships, because no non-twin can provide the intimacy they yearn to have.

"They go through life wondering what their twin would have been like, how they would have reacted with one another," said Ms. Daffin, who was 48 when Josie died. "So I'm a lucky person in that regard."

Ms. Daffin's mother was a twin, too, but her twin died at birth.

"She always felt something was missing from her life, that there should have been another one of her," she said. "She never made friends much. I don't think she ever had a close female friend."

Ms. Crochet understands that completely.

"For a twin who has lost a twin at birth or very early, it's a lifetime of loss," she said. "I can still remember my 9th birthday party. My parents were there, my little brother, my grandmother, and we had the presents and everything. And I remember standing there feeling this tremendous desolation.

"I was consciously looking for someone to fill that role of a twin in my life."

That can be a tall order for other family members, friends and particularly spouses.

"It's not an easy job, helping someone deal with this loss," Ms. Daffin said. "Some feel they are totally pushed out of the picture because we're so wrapped up with our loss. And a lot of marriages do end up breaking up because these twins have such needs."

"It is very difficult for families to deal with," said Joan Bruner, a psychotherapist in San Diego and a twinless twin.

"Sometimes even the parents don't understand it. They say, 'I lost a son or a daughter.' But grief depends on the relationship. The more one's life is intertwined with another, the worse it is."

And few relationships are tied together as tightly as those of twins.

"Science has proven that with identicals, the egg divides," Ms. Bruner said – the same genetics, the same DNA duplicated in two people.

"When a twin dies," she said, "some part of you is gone.

"I grew up in a small community in Ohio, and we were very special there," she said. "We were the twins. I lost my specialness when my twin died."

The only people who fully understand these facets of loss are other twinless twins.

Ms. Brown went to her first Twinless Twins conference about 11 months after Sammy died.

"It was the most emotional experience, and the most healing experience I'd had since he died," she said. "I cried for three days. I went there by myself, not knowing what to expect, and basically unloaded all of my feelings.

"It's been just tremendous to find other people who had gone through this. This has been my saving grace, that and the good Lord above."